What do you think about "Couple's Therapy" for co-founders?
Lusine Magauzyan
77 replies
Have you done it? Have you thought of doing it? I just heard about it during YCombinator's Future Founders Conference 2020.
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Bryant Galindo@bryantgalindom
It was 2017, and I was about to board a flight to work with a four-person founder team on the East Coast.
Most founders, this team continued pushing past their interpersonal problems, ignoring them or teaming up against one another to make a business decision because they needed to scale their business model. They were running out of runway. But now, a founder was threatening to quit all of a sudden, and no one understood why; they called me to help.
I came in to reset their founder dynamic, provide a neutral third-party assessment, and improve their communication while doing it.
I sometimes call this business therapy for founder teams. We need to look to the past just enough to understand why the dynamic has become stuck. But also be future-focused, understanding that building the right communication capabilities is a business benefit, allowing the founder team to collaborate more effectively while airing out past grievances.
As I went to their HQs, we blocked out two days for our kick-off session. The founder who threatened to quit revealed to me in our 1:1 coaching calls before our first-day work that he was clinically depressed. The job no longer enthused him, and after three years, he was ready to do something else. He didn't feel safe telling his founder team that, so he withdrew, and his productivity suffered. Everyone on the team felt it.
When I began facilitating on that first day, I took a step back to see how the team conversed with one another. One founder would dominate the conversation. Another would repeatedly agree and try to stay logical. Another would play the peacemaker. And the one that was depressed withdrew into his chair, his arms crossed.
I could see why things were terrible. Throughout our 3-month contract, my job was to unravel this dynamic while helping them find a new way forward. We did. But by the time they got the help they needed, it was too late. They exhausted their finances. Everyone was burnt out. But our work helped them at least divorce amicably, which they appreciated.
It is for this reason I recommend being proactive and finding someone the team can trust early on. Whether that's a mediator, a coach, or an advisor, a neutral third party can help see things objectively and call out bad behavior. You can also always conduct a realignment conversation on your own. Use these 20-questions as your starting point: https://bit.ly/questionsforfounders
It's always good to remember that founder teams are a lot like a marriage but without the sex. You'll spend a lot of time with these people. We all have our personalities and quirks. But it's important to check-in and find help when necessary to keep the relationship performing well.
If you have any questions you'd like to ask me personally about your own situation, feel free to DM me or check out my website: www.collabshq.com 🤙🏽
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That's an excellent idea. It's something we don't preach enough! I don't think there's a perfect co-founder relationship so the demand is there. It'll be fun to figure out the exact use case from the interviews!
Hi!
I think it should not be just for co-founders but also for the management team.
Also I would start with using Socrates dialogue method. I have been finding that useful and saves a lot of time and gets to the point quite fast. :)
@helene_auramo totally agree that it should be a priority for the whole management team, not just the co-founders!
@helene_auramo Yeah I agree too about management team! What's this Socrates dialogue? Do you have some articles in mind I can research it beyond basic googling?
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Interesting! It's definitely viable when you consider a company and marriage crossover a lot, co-founders like partners deal with being around each other a lot, conflicting views on the future, financial stress etc
@aaronoleary yep! I haven't tried it but mental health for founders is super important and i think it sounds exciting.
I had a similar need a couple of years ago and this has worked well for us:
Every Thursday we sat down in the morning for 2~3h out of the office (breakfast time was our best option at the time) and we talked about everything. Work-related, personal stuff, where we saw ourselves 10y from now, what are our political priorities, where we would travel to on our holidays, etc.
Bonding with my partner helped a lot to understand why some decisions were being made. I say that because I knew that they were planning to be away for two weeks 5 months from now and they needed to speed up the delivery of a certain feature on the product.
My point is, try to have a weekly, long conversation, with no previously synched agenda first. If that doesn't work, try couple's therapy.
@felipe_barreiros Good point. Additionally, you could do emotional clearing now and then. That fosters a higher level of openness and honesty, which, in turn, accelerates self-discovery and growth.
@felipe_barreiros that's great that it worked for you guys. From my opinion this sounds more like a quality time though, which is again very crucial. Talking just about work is exhausting. But I'm trying to explore more the aspect of founders sitting together with a professional "doctor" like actual therapy works
I never heard of this but it's such a brilliant idea 😆but not every couple needs a therapy. I would guess that it's only applicable in case of some sort of conflict. At my company the co-founders are an actual married couple in real life. They are a good match and they openly and timely share feedback with each other so they never needed something like this ;)
@agatakristo absolutely i agree that not every couple needs a therapy but I've recently come to the conclusion that it will definitely not heart. Even if everything is ok I'd like to have this activity with my romantic partner and I started thinking that for founders it'll be cool too to see their dynamics through the lense of another person.
Sounds like a plan :D
It sounds extreme! ;) We would need more therapy in general
@anxo_armada yeah sounds really extreme at first but I'm diving deeper these days to explore more of it and have better understanding. I think I'll definitely go for it.
I did this for hundreds of cofounder pairings for nearly 4 years while working at Entrepreneur First, and continue doing so privately. It's transformative - best book to read on the topic: Fierce Conversations.
Also a great article by Esther Perel on the First Round blog: https://firstround.com/review/ho...
If anyone wants to chat more about it, I'm @zefi on twitter.
Hi everyone! I am a Social Psychologist of Entrepreneurship with a PhD from Aston Business School, UK. I am not sure about "Couple's Therapy" for co-founders, but I can definitely recommend my book entitled 'The Entrepreneur’s Identity Standard: What entrepreneurs think about themselves and how it influences their entrepreneurial actions.' My book solves the psychological problem of how tech startup entrepreneurs deal with strategic decision-making processes in their ventures based on how they see themselves.
@kukova_tatiana Hi Tatiana, what are some main hypothesis of the book, to know if to read it?
I had to do a double-take on this question because I thought it was on my Slack, not PH. My co-founder and I are building a modern couples therapy brand. We just finished fundraising and one of the interesting themes was how many investors asked about this (e.g., "would you do something like this for our portfolio company founders?").
We're super biased - we believe that everyone should go to couples therapy proactively and early. The underlying reason most couples (and founders) break up is that they let things fester. A small scratch becomes a gaping wound. Only way to solve this is to get on top of it early and ongoing. I think the best solution for founders in particular is some mix of intense onboarding experience to set expectations, ongoing quick check-ins to identify issues, and occasional deep dives with a third party to prevent those issues from snowballing.
@adam_putterman relating to my own comment on this post, I think talking to a therapist once in awhile even when there are no apparent problems can help identify these small scratches early on
@adam_putterman Hi Adam, what is it exactly that you do? I'm hyped.
@adam_putterman @lussvontrier We offer modern couples therapy that's designed to be proactive. Specifically, we have private sessions and cohort-based workshops. Let me know if you'd ever want to check it out.
I think this would be an amazing idea. I mean even without a problem, I think it would be a good idea for co-founders to talk with therapists, individually or separately. I mean, with the immense pressure of building a startup, it sure helps to have someone to unload to and help make sense with your thoughts
Never heard of it before, but as long we are having more startups and even more co-founders, it'll become a necessity. Not a chance YCombinator took a deeper look on the subject ✌️
I'm so glad this is getting talked about. Dr. Karen Bridbord does this through Founders Foundry (https://thefoundersfoundry.com/). As a Certified Gottman Therapist, she applies Gottman Method Couples Therapy to workplace relationships.
@fulwilerm Do founders go to her like couples would?
I think it's a great idea! A safe environment with a professional who's not biased. Also, for non co-founders such as married couples, I think the introduction of either a micro dose of Ketamine or a micro dose of ecstasy to bring out full emotions without holding anything back.
I am married and not remotely interested. I just want to join Gmail Unsubscriber
We provide (pay for) therapy and Co-founder therapy to all of our founders through www.atlasq.com. One of the core tenants of our firm is that the people behind the businesses are the real asset we're backing and so want to invest in their success as people and leaders.
One of the things we've found is that, quantitatively, the top reasons for startup failure can all be traced back to the leadership team and many of those problems are related to mental and physical well-being. Its hard to be an A++ leader, maintain your energy and maintain your creativity when you are personally struggling.
I think that is an excellent idea...like any relationship, a partnership is never easy and it takes experience to know when to give and take.
I think this would be beneficial if both founders are open to it! I've heard of athletes (ice dancer pairs, for example), going into couple's therapy to improve their communication and team work. If you are working that closely with someone towards a common goal and spend a lot of time together, I see why not.