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What do you think about "Couple's Therapy" for co-founders?
Have you done it? Have you thought of doing it? I just heard about it during YCombinator's Future Founders Conference 2020.
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Bryant Galindo
It was 2017, and I was about to board a flight to work with a four-person founder team on the East Coast.
Most founders, this team continued pushing past their interpersonal problems, ignoring them or teaming up against one another to make a business decision because they needed to scale their business model. They were running out of runway. But now, a founder was threatening to quit all of a sudden, and no one understood why; they called me to help.
I came in to reset their founder dynamic, provide a neutral third-party assessment, and improve their communication while doing it.
I sometimes call this business therapy for founder teams. We need to look to the past just enough to understand why the dynamic has become stuck. But also be future-focused, understanding that building the right communication capabilities is a business benefit, allowing the founder team to collaborate more effectively while airing out past grievances.
As I went to their HQs, we blocked out two days for our kick-off session. The founder who threatened to quit revealed to me in our 1:1 coaching calls before our first-day work that he was clinically depressed. The job no longer enthused him, and after three years, he was ready to do something else. He didn't feel safe telling his founder team that, so he withdrew, and his productivity suffered. Everyone on the team felt it.
When I began facilitating on that first day, I took a step back to see how the team conversed with one another. One founder would dominate the conversation. Another would repeatedly agree and try to stay logical. Another would play the peacemaker. And the one that was depressed withdrew into his chair, his arms crossed.
I could see why things were terrible. Throughout our 3-month contract, my job was to unravel this dynamic while helping them find a new way forward. We did. But by the time they got the help they needed, it was too late. They exhausted their finances. Everyone was burnt out. But our work helped them at least divorce amicably, which they appreciated.
It is for this reason I recommend being proactive and finding someone the team can trust early on. Whether that's a mediator, a coach, or an advisor, a neutral third party can help see things objectively and call out bad behavior. You can also always conduct a realignment conversation on your own. Use these 20-questions as your starting point: https://bit.ly/questionsforfounders
It's always good to remember that founder teams are a lot like a marriage but without the sex. You'll spend a lot of time with these people. We all have our personalities and quirks. But it's important to check-in and find help when necessary to keep the relationship performing well.
If you have any questions you'd like to ask me personally about your own situation, feel free to DM me or check out my website: www.collabshq.com 🤙🏽
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I had to do a double-take on this question because I thought it was on my Slack, not PH. My co-founder and I are building a modern couples therapy brand. We just finished fundraising and one of the interesting themes was how many investors asked about this (e.g., "would you do something like this for our portfolio company founders?").
We're super biased - we believe that everyone should go to couples therapy proactively and early. The underlying reason most couples (and founders) break up is that they let things fester. A small scratch becomes a gaping wound. Only way to solve this is to get on top of it early and ongoing. I think the best solution for founders in particular is some mix of intense onboarding experience to set expectations, ongoing quick check-ins to identify issues, and occasional deep dives with a third party to prevent those issues from snowballing.
@adam_putterman relating to my own comment on this post, I think talking to a therapist once in awhile even when there are no apparent problems can help identify these small scratches early on
@adam_putterman @lussvontrier We offer modern couples therapy that's designed to be proactive. Specifically, we have private sessions and cohort-based workshops. Let me know if you'd ever want to check it out.
That's an excellent idea. It's something we don't preach enough! I don't think there's a perfect co-founder relationship so the demand is there. It'll be fun to figure out the exact use case from the interviews!
Hi!
I think it should not be just for co-founders but also for the management team.
Also I would start with using Socrates dialogue method. I have been finding that useful and saves a lot of time and gets to the point quite fast. :)
@helene_auramo totally agree that it should be a priority for the whole management team, not just the co-founders!
@helene_auramo Yeah I agree too about management team! What's this Socrates dialogue? Do you have some articles in mind I can research it beyond basic googling?
Hi everyone! I am a Social Psychologist of Entrepreneurship with a PhD from Aston Business School, UK. I am not sure about "Couple's Therapy" for co-founders, but I can definitely recommend my book entitled 'The Entrepreneur’s Identity Standard: What entrepreneurs think about themselves and how it influences their entrepreneurial actions.' My book solves the psychological problem of how tech startup entrepreneurs deal with strategic decision-making processes in their ventures based on how they see themselves.
WE LAUNCHED THIS! So funny when everyone is thinking the same thing.
https://www.startups.com/communi...
We put together 8-person cohorts of Founders, moderated by professionals, and dig into really tough topics. Founders are all stuck in their own head - they need an outlet where they can share what they are going through without consequence (AKA a "Safe Space").
We've got chapters all around the world and have groups dedicated to each stage of a startups growth (so that people are talking about the same issues). We personally interview every person and work closely before, during and after each meeting to follow up on all of the key actions.
If you're interested in joining a group, or creating one (we can host if for you for free) just shoot me an email - wil@startups.com
There's no reason you should feel alone as a Founder. I'm down to help you.
@startups @wilschroter hi Wil, exciting! What are your stats? Is this a growing trend? Is there a demand? Are founders paying? - I'm really excited about this topic
I had a similar need a couple of years ago and this has worked well for us:
Every Thursday we sat down in the morning for 2~3h out of the office (breakfast time was our best option at the time) and we talked about everything. Work-related, personal stuff, where we saw ourselves 10y from now, what are our political priorities, where we would travel to on our holidays, etc.
Bonding with my partner helped a lot to understand why some decisions were being made. I say that because I knew that they were planning to be away for two weeks 5 months from now and they needed to speed up the delivery of a certain feature on the product.
My point is, try to have a weekly, long conversation, with no previously synched agenda first. If that doesn't work, try couple's therapy.
@felipe_barreiros that's great that it worked for you guys. From my opinion this sounds more like a quality time though, which is again very crucial. Talking just about work is exhausting. But I'm trying to explore more the aspect of founders sitting together with a professional "doctor" like actual therapy works
I think this would be an amazing idea. I mean even without a problem, I think it would be a good idea for co-founders to talk with therapists, individually or separately. I mean, with the immense pressure of building a startup, it sure helps to have someone to unload to and help make sense with your thoughts
Interesting! It's definitely viable when you consider a company and marriage crossover a lot, co-founders like partners deal with being around each other a lot, conflicting views on the future, financial stress etc
@aaronoleary yep! I haven't tried it but mental health for founders is super important and i think it sounds exciting.
We provide (pay for) therapy and Co-founder therapy to all of our founders through www.atlasq.com. One of the core tenants of our firm is that the people behind the businesses are the real asset we're backing and so want to invest in their success as people and leaders.
One of the things we've found is that, quantitatively, the top reasons for startup failure can all be traced back to the leadership team and many of those problems are related to mental and physical well-being. Its hard to be an A++ leader, maintain your energy and maintain your creativity when you are personally struggling.
@runvc that's exciting, very thoughtful of you. Question: What does that therapy look like? Does it mimic the real couple's therapy?
@anxo_armada yeah sounds really extreme at first but I'm diving deeper these days to explore more of it and have better understanding. I think I'll definitely go for it.
@vineet_sinha how did you do it? Did you and your co-founder go to a "shrink" like couples do?
@lussvontrier kinda? We had a sr advisor who's referred by our accelerator mediate a few sessions... she does it professionally so the process was top notch
I did this for hundreds of cofounder pairings for nearly 4 years while working at Entrepreneur First, and continue doing so privately. It's transformative - best book to read on the topic: Fierce Conversations.
Also a great article by Esther Perel on the First Round blog: https://firstround.com/review/ho...
If anyone wants to chat more about it, I'm @zefi on twitter.
@zefi Hi Zefi. You did this means you conducted therapy for founders or you participated/went to therapy with a co-founder? Do tell me more. I'm really excited about this topic
I think that is an excellent idea...like any relationship, a partnership is never easy and it takes experience to know when to give and take.
Who would you recommend? I was recently discussing this with my personal coach on one of our weekly calls. I've had 3 partners in past businesses and now I'm in the process of starting another venture with a new partner.
In each of the past I could see where having an outside party (non-board member) to conversate with together, could only create more synergy.
@mikekawula Hi Michael, I would recommend using these twenty questions as a starting point for your conversation with the new partner. See where there is alignment as well as disagreement: bit.ly/questionsforfounders.
If you want help navigating the conversations and setting up the people side of the partnership, DM me. That's a service I offer.
I really love this idea since so many of our challenges are related to identity and how we value ourselves.
I founded 7CTOs exactly for this kind of thing aimed at people in the roles of CTO or technical leadership. We form cohorts of 7 and help each other grow in emotional intelligence, technical leadership and communication/presentation skills.
I never heard of this but it's such a brilliant idea 😆but not every couple needs a therapy. I would guess that it's only applicable in case of some sort of conflict. At my company the co-founders are an actual married couple in real life. They are a good match and they openly and timely share feedback with each other so they never needed something like this ;)
@agatakristo absolutely i agree that not every couple needs a therapy but I've recently come to the conclusion that it will definitely not heart. Even if everything is ok I'd like to have this activity with my romantic partner and I started thinking that for founders it'll be cool too to see their dynamics through the lense of another person.
Never heard of it before, but as long we are having more startups and even more co-founders, it'll become a necessity. Not a chance YCombinator took a deeper look on the subject ✌️
I am married and not remotely interested. I just want to join Gmail Unsubscriber